Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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