just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
