Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
