I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
