Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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