I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
