i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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