i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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