Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
