you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
