Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
