hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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