I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I deserve this hangover.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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