I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
