i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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