I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
