The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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