trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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