just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
