I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
