Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
