i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
