So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
