not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
