I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
