theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize