im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
