i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
it was like eating out sand paper
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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