his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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