i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
