Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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