My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
