Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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