Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
