he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
