Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
