My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
