wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
