I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
