Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
