If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
