I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
