You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Let's paint friendship bongs
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
