Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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