i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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