Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
bring money and cleavage
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
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