So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
