I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
