I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
