So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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