Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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