Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
