I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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