i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
