I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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