this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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