I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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