I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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