I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
