why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
